[2008-11-12] Cross from pipe fittings
Recently there was a very serious outbreak of vampirism in my neighborhood. For awhile it got so bad you couldn't even walk to the convenience store without suddenly finding yourself alone in a creepy old graveyard and having to kung-fu your way back home through hordes of your undead former neighbors. I was shamefully unprepared for the crisis. I had some scrap wood around the apartment that I was able to fashion into a stake or three, but when it came to crosses, garlic, and holy water I was completely defenseless. And as the CDC keeps reminding us, it's much safer to simply repel vampires than to try to stake them. Years-old stale garlic powder is totally ineffective. I can vouch for that. Ditto with tap water blessed by a priest of the Universal Life Church, which was the only denomination I could find willing to ordain me online.
This cross, however, which I put together from a handful of galvanized iron pipe fittings from the corner hardware store, proved to be quite effective. At first I was concerned that my complete lack of any sort of Judeo-Christian faith whatsoever would render it useless in my hands, but it turns out that it's sufficient to simply believe in the cross as a symbol of respect for human suffering. This version is, admittedly, too heavy to wear comfortably around the neck, but it is easily brandished in one hand, leaving the other conveniently free to operate a cell phone or an iPod. I drilled a small hole in the back of the 4-way fitting so I can hang it on a nail by the door, where it is always handy if I need to go out.last modified 2008-11-12